How to cope with Silent Treatment Emotional Abuse in Relationships. Part 1:


Year in, year out I could not understand why my husband and I could not seem to go more than a few months without an extended episode of not speaking (almost always over some trivial non-consequential matter). His silent treatment left me feeling depressed, bewildered and tearful to say the least, but I finally found a way to turn things around and diminish this pattern - and I am so MUCH happier for it. The changes I made, and my current reflections, are related in this series of hubs for the consideration of anyone who can relate.
being ignored ...
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What is Silent Treatment?

This is where a person behaves in a passive aggressive manner to convey their anger or grievance by ignoring/not speaking to the victim. It is a form of emotional abuse and as such it is unacceptable. Often, the person giving the silent treatment does so because they want (consciously or unconsciously) their victim to feel unworthy, to appease them, or to feel guilty about something. Alternatively they may want their victim to apologise for something, even though often they choose not to clarify what it is actually wrong!
A person who is repeatedly on the receiving end of cold shouldering can wind up feeling resigned to being isolated, intimidated, insignificant and/or despondent. Other times, the victim may feel angry, defiant, resentful and/or vengeful. Over time they can become totally worn down, but no-one should have to endure such conduct. In a familiy situation, the uncomfortable atmosphere created when parents are intermittently but persistently not speaking (which may ultimately lead to separation or divorce) can negatively affect children.

If you are in the initial stages of a relationship with someone who engages in the silent treatment the best thing you can do is to nip this negative behaviour in the bud before it becomes a stable ingredient of your union. It is true to say that the longer it goes on, the more difficult it is to deal with and eradicate - but it is never too late to do something about it. Dealing with a significant other who refused to talk and interact normally can be extremely challenging and daunting - but there is hope.

Difference between a cooling off period and the Silent Treatment

Following a disagreement, time limited periods apart and silence can be a good thing, as it allows both parties to calm down. In the case of a cooling off period it’s good if one party can suggest a time when they can come together to resolve the issue as necessary. However, do note the silent treatment differs from a cooling off period in that its duration is unknown and overly extended. As such, it is not recommended that the victim approach a silent treatment perpetrator with a time/date to sit down and discuss matters. Doing this might seem like a good idea if your are being dealt the silent treatment but it is the writer’s belief that this tactic does not work when dealing with an habitual silent treatment abuser, since they see it as their victim capitulating, in which case it only serves to feed their control and manipulation tendencies.

How to deal with Silent Treatment Emotional Abuse

Some victims have noted their abuser becomes notably happier the more worn down and miserable they become. In order to cope, the victim must appreciate that a silent treatment abuser thrives on observing the negative effect they have on their target. Therefore it is necessary to stop “feeding” their desire for control and power.
This means NOT giving them the satisfaction of seeing the negative, emotional affects of their behaviour. They can derive a great sense of self importance and triumph if you get irate, annoyed, upset, capitulate/apologise, weep or plead with them to talk to you. Starve them of these rewards for their unjust behaviour and they will likely eventually tire of engaging in the silent treatment and revert more quickly than usual to their normal demeanour.
Here are some strategies to help with “starving” them out!
· Don’t appear upset -The best way to do this is not to actually allow the abuser’s actions to get you upset in the first place. Stop yourself getting stressed by having to hand a previously prepared positive list of things you will do to distract yourself from feeling overwhelmed by the silent treatment. Your list could include listening to uplifting music, exercising, watching your favourite comedy shows, engaging in hobbies such as painting, reading or the like.
· Be seen to be upbeat -
Essentially go about your normal day to day activities and be seen to be positively and contentedly getting on with your life in spite of their efforts to unsettle you.
· Refrain from engaging in tit-for-tat not speaking - This is easier said than done but it pays to make a superhuman effort to speak to the other person as and when the need arises about everyday matters. When you talk to them be sure to use your normal delivery and tone of voice. Do not be tempted into trying to play them at their own game, for they are experts at it and it will ultimately get you no-where as regards eradicating such behaviour. Do not allow them to drag you down to their level of immaturity in dealing with the inevitable ups and down of a relationship. Two wrongs don’t make a right!
· Do not try to coax your partner into conversing with you -Just be secure in the knowledge that if they don’t answer you, you will survive. You’ve survived in the past and you will survive now, only this time you will be surviving much more contentedly than in the past. When they don’t respond to you, or don’t respond well, simply move on with your day and refuse to dwell on their rudeness.
· Do not rise to the bait -
When they use sarcasm or will only speak to you in a patronizing manner, instead of getting upset or responding in kind, simply get on with enjoying something on your previously prepared silent treatment “Survival” list of things to do! Let them see that their attempt at trying to rile you is a waste of their time and yours! Remember - do not “feed” their habit.
Acting on the above guidance is not easy and you may falter at times. When this happens do just forgive yourself and then be sure to press on with the suggestions, for you know you deserve better treatment from your significant other. Make it a conscious choice to be responsible for your own happiness and soar above the Silent Treatment.
Please be aware that if you tell your partner your plans to put the above strategies into action and then, for some reason, you do not follow through, it will likely lead to your partner feeling triumphant and encourage them to engage in silent treatment emotional abuse even more! Therefore it is not recommended, at any stage, that you tell your partner about these strategies. Just do what you need to do without explanation or prior warning.
Important – If the silent treatment is from a partner who is verbally abusive or physically abusive, rather than acting on the suggestions given here, get help from a professional experienced in such matters. Also get professional advice before acting on these strategies if you believe your partner may gravitate from silent treatment abuse to physical or verbal abuse, even if they have not done this in the past.


How long will this go on ?
How long will this go on ?
Source: Ebonny

You CANNOT Force your Partner to Stop the Silent Treatment!


Most people find that no amount of pleading or apologising will make their partner stop this behaviour. Bear in mind that the ONLY person you can change is yourself so the way forward is to change the way you yourself respond when he/she gives you the silent treatment.


You CAN stop yourself becoming overwhelmed with negative feelings.

By executing the methods suggested above, taking good care of yourself and positively investing time and energy into choosing to be happier, you are able to limit negative feelings such as misery and isolation.
Further, when you
.....stop “feeding” their unhealthy, destructive, relationship killing habit,
in turn,
.....this can lead to your partner re-evaluating and deceasing such behaviour,
since the Silent Treatment is no longer getting them their desired result – i.e. controlling the way you feel/making you feel bad.

Many thanks indeed to all who have shared this article with others.

Ebonny Welcomes your Comments on Silent Treatment
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